On Flat Earth Theory

I want to be honest and up front: I believe that the earth is flat. Wait, don’t click away! Keep reading. I mean, haven’t you ever wondered why the horizon over the ocean is flat and not round? Take a peek at the moon. It’s bright. Almost…too bright. Because the moon isn’t real. It’s just a hologram projected into orbit by the sun, because it is the sun! Just at night. Some may argue that you can’t see the sun at night. Well you can tell those people to shove a fork in a light socket because they ARE WRONG. We never landed on the moon (obviously faked) and the ISS is just a comet that orbits the FLAT earth at convenient times when you’re looking at the sky because Big Brother (aka NASA) is always monitoring you through your coffee makers and I’m actually a dog typing this post. Ruff, ruff – who’s a good boy? I am!

Okay. Let’s be real here. That paragraph went pretty far off the rails and I don’t actually believe the earth is flat. It’s obviously a globe, and there’s so much logical and empirical evidence to back this up that it makes the flat earth society look like a bunch of uninformed loons. Which they are. But how can celebrities such as Shaq and Tila Tequila be wrong about a claim when they themselves are at the forefront of the scientific community? I’ll break it down into an easy equation for you all: boredom + money +/- drugs = bunk conspiracy theories.

I embarked on this crazy train when I watched a recent clip from a local Maine news outlet. The anchor broke down the logic of “flat earthers” and, using elementary scientific principles we all learned in school, proved that the earth is round and would be impossible for it to be flat. Everything from the sun’s transit to the ocean’s tides were used as ample evidence to back up his claim, and he was just as perplexed as any one to discover that flat earthers are not trolls. These are real people who really believe this garbage.

Since this is an op-ed blog post and not a scientific essay I’ll leave you to look up the evidence yourselves. I remember hearing about this theory emerging on the internet in early 2012, and it has gained traction steadily from then on. However the Flat Earth Society has been established since the early 20th century, so what the hell do I know.  In my junior year of college I wrote a poem for class about the Flat Earth Theory from the perspective of someone who genuinely believes in this shit and while it was under cooked, it gave me strong insight into the mind of this community. And did I earn a valuable new perspective that had me reconsider my beliefs through research? No. The only conspiracy theory more silly than flat earth theory is “chemtrails”, and DO NOT get me started on that crock. Hell if this post gets enough likes (let’s say fifty but I’m being far too generous as I doubt this will garner even ten likes – not that it matters, but fake internet points are still points) I’ll post that poem here just so you all can understand how misunderstood (delusional) these people are in thinking that the earth couldn’t not be a rotating disc.

Now, in their defense, some respected theoretical physicists have come out and proposed that reality, and by extension the universe, as we perceive it is a simulation. In order for that to be true, they argue, the universe would have to be two dimensional, projected onto a kids menu at Friendly’s. We perceive reality to be three dimensional but what if it wasn’t? What if we’re, like, just avatars in a simulation, maaaan? *hits blunt* Well Shaggy, you keep tokin’ on while the rest of us check out the new season of Black Mirror on Netflix (December 29th, baby!).

In the end does it really matter if the earth is flat, a projection, or in the mind of Jaden Smith as he composes another nugget of pure gold on his Twitter account? Not really, because we’re locked into a dimension where we work forty hours or more for paychecks that barely tap our debt pools, consummate meaningless relationships, and start fist fights over broken televisions on Black Friday. Nothing matters, you’re all going to die someday; come sit down and watch tv?

In conclusion, to all flat earthers, I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I will give you credit as you’re one of the few communities that’s so headstrong and single minded in your beliefs that your skin is thicker than an overcooked Thanksgiving turkey. So while I may have had some fun tonight poking holes in your thinly veiled “logic” and satirizing your beliefs, thank you for being you. You’re not bad people for having a controversial opinion. You’re just…wrong.


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